Life Passages

[Vanessa]

I'm curious how others handle the probing questions from those sometimes too nosy but well meaning individuals. What comes to mind most is "When are you going to get married? Have a baby? Buy a house? Time is not on your side you know!" Obviously the response is not the same for Grandma as it is for the new neighbor next door. Personally, I don't think I ever want kids. When I make this statement, its usually met with, you'll change your mind at the last minute, just give it time. Infuriating to me! Who says we can't be happy if we choose not follow the traditional path of get married, buy a house, have kids? Thoughts?

[The Dudes Dad]

Well I may not be the best example. I once told my inlaws that I live my life my way and if some one has a problem with it too bad. I am the one that has to live my life. I will listen to others to a point and when I am done i reserve the right to end the discussion. I am divorced from their daughter. Big surprise. Actually I get this kind of stuff from my mom and dad all the time and I usually either shine them on or tell them politely to back off. I have been told I have a weird relationship with my parents. They actually realize I am a big boy now and I will live my life my way regardless of what others want for me. With new people I tend to be a little forward about this. Simply put I just don't have the patience to put up with too much of the needling. I find its best to set a couple boundaries right off the bat. Then again I may not be the best example.

Oh and I never wanted kids until i had one of my one. Hated children actually.

[Vanessa]

I've heard so many people say this about kids, "Just wait until you have one of your own, then you'll change." My response is usually, "That could end up in a pretty big experiment-gone-wrong if it turns out I still don't like kids! At that point you can't go back either."

[LogicGirl]

Problem is, I don't really think any response would be appropriate for these nosy (albeit well-meaning) people. Whatever polite answer you provide, it will ultimately bring up other questions. I don't know - seems like a blank stare may be the best answer to stymie such folks into silence, heh!

[tara]

I get the kids question constantly because I am a married 34-year-old hairstylist. People don't know what else to ask me or something. It goes like this:

Client: How long have you been married?
Me: This summer is our fifth anniversary.
Client: Are you planning on having children?
Me: Well, no. I always thought that I would have children, and then I realized one day that I feel the same way about having children as I feel about going to Egypt.
Confused Client: mm hmm......
Me:I think it would be really cool to go to Egypt. I would love to have that experience and I would be delighted to go. But If I don't ever get to go I am not going to die.
Enlightened Client: Oh!
Me: And that is just not a good enough reason to bring another life into the world. My husband and I have already decided that if we change our minds ten years from now we will adopt, but we have no business bringing another life onto this planet.
Enlightened Client: And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
Me: 34
Enlightened Client: Well, it's good that you know that about yourself.

And then they change the subject because they don't know what else to say. It used to really make me uncomfortable and angry, because they all would tell me I would change my mind, or try to tell me I was wrong about how I felt. But when I came up with the Egypt analogy, somehow it shuts them up.

[Riayn]

Wow, that is an amazing response to this much dreaded question. I love the Egypt analogy.

[tara]

I was totally thinking about you all this afternoon while I was having this very conversation with one of my doctors! lol It worked with him too, except that he said that if I was going to do it I had better do it soon. Then he dropped it.

[kperfetto]

I'm lucky. I don't get asked those questions that often, at least not from my family. Well-meaning strangers are another story. I think people are polite to my face and my face only. I know I'm gossiped about. That veil of decorum really gets dropped online. (Which is why I reveal little about myself. Kind of impossible with a personal blog.) I've had people call me selfish for not having children. (How is that selfish? My not having kids hurts no one.)

[Riayn]

Actually it is more selfish to have a large number of children than to have none. Our world's resources can not sustain our current population. Having large numbers of children is just going to add to the strain our planet is currently under. Now that is selfish.

[Vanessa]

I LOVE the Egypt analogy and think it may come in useful tonight in a certain gathering I'm going to be part of. Thank you for the most timely response!

[tara]

I hope it works for you as well as it works for me. Good luck!

[Sandra Fernandez]

I just had this conversation with a friend of mine. I am not married and not looking. She's been married nearly four years and has no intention of having kids. My sisters, both homeowners, are always getting on me about buying a house.

Unfortunately, I can handle well-meaning strangers well, but not my family and close friends. Their questions push my buttons. If you figure out how to handle this, please share.

[smarmoofus]

What's worse is when one of those traditional life passages is not a possibility for you. I and a good friend of mine will likely never have children. Unlike you, we both want them. So when we've each been asked "When are you going to start a family?" it's not just impertinent, it's a slap in the face. At least I'm single, so I can fall back on the "I haven't found the right partner and I am not prepared to do it alone." My friend has been married for a few years now, and everybody is waiting for what they think is the next logical step in that traditional path for her and her husband. It's not public information that she can't have children (really, it's nobody's business, is it?), so as time goes on, more and more people have asked. I feel for her.

Slackmistress, I love your responses! Especially the one about same-sex couples! Actually, I was/am boycotting marriage on principle due to the bigotry in the system... when it's available to anybody, regardless of sexual orientation, I will consider it (currently, I am open to the idea of being married in the state of California and then residing in California or in New York, where California same-sex marriages will be recognized). But that was mostly for religious reasons. Bans to same-sex marriages are based on religious grounds, and I resent the various state governments for "establishing religion" in direct violation of the First Amendment to the US Constitution by defining marriage this way.