Nobody Gonna Break Our Stride.
When I Write the Book...
Did you pick a word to live by for 2008, in lieu of a resolution? If so, how are you doing with it?
I've lapsed lately in paying close attention to my own word: power. I've done relatively well defining what power means and how I can apply it to my life, but I haven't been as diligent in reminding myself to incorporate those findings into the daily grind.
As this is my first time choosing a word for such purposes, I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting it exactly right, and moreover, perhaps this experience will help me choose a more appropriate word next year - maybe one that is even more specific to my thirty-something issues.
Take, for example, the word assertive. I've been thinking lately that this is the word I should have chosen, although asserting oneself can be interpreted as a version of 'power.' I also think that for me, becoming more assertive (i.e., neither passive nor aggressive) is the key to achieving a greater sense of balance, another good word.
I am rarely assertive in my personal life; I'm better at work, but I'm a people pleaser who doesn't like confrontation. This leads to issues, as conversely, I am anything but an introvert or one of those people who lets everything roll of their backs. Nothing rolls off my back. Everything is absorbed until I get an ulcer.
In some ways, I like this about myself. I think I'm sensitive to other people's needs and plights. I think I take other people's feelings into account. I think I'm a thinker, and a dreamer -- I like to contemplate things and figure out the best way to proceed with something (everything), to create the best possible outcome for everyone involved. I genuinely feel good when I help someone succeed - this may be why I serve on about 35 nonprofit boards (ok, it's more like six, but still).
But this is what I don't like about being a perennial yes-man: I sometimes let people take advantage of me. I often tell people they haven't hurt my feelings when they have. And consequently, I have a tendency to explode about things that aren't explosion-worthy, because I'm not mad that you bailed on my party, I'm mad that you bailed on my party and, two weeks ago, kept me on the phone for an hour talking you through a work-related project because "you didn't want to read the instructions."
I know some of the reasons why I have these traits, and that helps me understand and address them. But it's maddening to me that I feel exceedingly uncomfortable telling people 'no,' or further, calling someone out when they're displaying their own version of bad behavior.
I have more than one friend who routinely tells me exactly what is wrong with me. On the other hand, I have several friends who, I feel, are even worse at dealing with assertiveness than I am. Both irritate me from time to time. I personally don't think it's a friend's place to tell you when you've gotten fat or what they think of your new shoes unless they've been asked. I think it's tactless, while others call it 'honest.' However, I imagine that the people who get things off their chests immediately instead of stewing over it for eight years are probably less prone to acid reflux than I.
It's a dichotomy I have yet to resolve. While I don't think a friend or family member's quirks are usually worthy of a tongue-lashing, sometimes things come to a head, and I wonder 'If I had said something then, would this even be an issue right now?' But then, the worries I can't quell surface. We'll get in a fight. They won't like me anymore. It will be one more person who decides to call me a bitch, or crazy, or something else equally colorful. I know it sounds childish, but these are my feelings -- and so not in harmony with the logic I understand but cannot put into action.
As a journalist, you'd think I'd have a tougher skin, but it's all compartmentalized for me. The woman who emailed me at work the other day to tell me I was personally contributing to her daughter's asthma after writing an article (not an editorial, mind you) about a biomass plant in her town is not eating away at my soul. But the gym teacher who yelled at me for something John Drummey did in the third grade? I still think about it today. Seriously.
I don't often write about my personal life as a blogger, and part of the reason why is, other than maintaining my privacy, I am sometimes scared of what people will think or say. I also know fully well that I have some regular readers who do not necessarily have my best interests in mind, and why would I give them gas for the fire? But this has limited my voice, and therefore my writing is not as good, and not as honest. Someday, I'd like to write a memoir about some of the wacky times in my past that even some of my closest friends don't know a lot about. This is not so lofty a goal, as I write for a living and I am confident that I can absolutely do this. But first, I have to silence the voice in my head that says, 'don't write this, because it will bother so- and so.' 'Don't write that, because people will think X about you.'
Until I do that, my manuscript will not be complete -- both figuratively and literally.
I've lapsed lately in paying close attention to my own word: power. I've done relatively well defining what power means and how I can apply it to my life, but I haven't been as diligent in reminding myself to incorporate those findings into the daily grind.
As this is my first time choosing a word for such purposes, I'm not going to beat myself up about not getting it exactly right, and moreover, perhaps this experience will help me choose a more appropriate word next year - maybe one that is even more specific to my thirty-something issues.
Take, for example, the word assertive. I've been thinking lately that this is the word I should have chosen, although asserting oneself can be interpreted as a version of 'power.' I also think that for me, becoming more assertive (i.e., neither passive nor aggressive) is the key to achieving a greater sense of balance, another good word.
I am rarely assertive in my personal life; I'm better at work, but I'm a people pleaser who doesn't like confrontation. This leads to issues, as conversely, I am anything but an introvert or one of those people who lets everything roll of their backs. Nothing rolls off my back. Everything is absorbed until I get an ulcer.
In some ways, I like this about myself. I think I'm sensitive to other people's needs and plights. I think I take other people's feelings into account. I think I'm a thinker, and a dreamer -- I like to contemplate things and figure out the best way to proceed with something (everything), to create the best possible outcome for everyone involved. I genuinely feel good when I help someone succeed - this may be why I serve on about 35 nonprofit boards (ok, it's more like six, but still).
But this is what I don't like about being a perennial yes-man: I sometimes let people take advantage of me. I often tell people they haven't hurt my feelings when they have. And consequently, I have a tendency to explode about things that aren't explosion-worthy, because I'm not mad that you bailed on my party, I'm mad that you bailed on my party and, two weeks ago, kept me on the phone for an hour talking you through a work-related project because "you didn't want to read the instructions."
I know some of the reasons why I have these traits, and that helps me understand and address them. But it's maddening to me that I feel exceedingly uncomfortable telling people 'no,' or further, calling someone out when they're displaying their own version of bad behavior.
I have more than one friend who routinely tells me exactly what is wrong with me. On the other hand, I have several friends who, I feel, are even worse at dealing with assertiveness than I am. Both irritate me from time to time. I personally don't think it's a friend's place to tell you when you've gotten fat or what they think of your new shoes unless they've been asked. I think it's tactless, while others call it 'honest.' However, I imagine that the people who get things off their chests immediately instead of stewing over it for eight years are probably less prone to acid reflux than I.
It's a dichotomy I have yet to resolve. While I don't think a friend or family member's quirks are usually worthy of a tongue-lashing, sometimes things come to a head, and I wonder 'If I had said something then, would this even be an issue right now?' But then, the worries I can't quell surface. We'll get in a fight. They won't like me anymore. It will be one more person who decides to call me a bitch, or crazy, or something else equally colorful. I know it sounds childish, but these are my feelings -- and so not in harmony with the logic I understand but cannot put into action.
As a journalist, you'd think I'd have a tougher skin, but it's all compartmentalized for me. The woman who emailed me at work the other day to tell me I was personally contributing to her daughter's asthma after writing an article (not an editorial, mind you) about a biomass plant in her town is not eating away at my soul. But the gym teacher who yelled at me for something John Drummey did in the third grade? I still think about it today. Seriously.
I don't often write about my personal life as a blogger, and part of the reason why is, other than maintaining my privacy, I am sometimes scared of what people will think or say. I also know fully well that I have some regular readers who do not necessarily have my best interests in mind, and why would I give them gas for the fire? But this has limited my voice, and therefore my writing is not as good, and not as honest. Someday, I'd like to write a memoir about some of the wacky times in my past that even some of my closest friends don't know a lot about. This is not so lofty a goal, as I write for a living and I am confident that I can absolutely do this. But first, I have to silence the voice in my head that says, 'don't write this, because it will bother so- and so.' 'Don't write that, because people will think X about you.'
Until I do that, my manuscript will not be complete -- both figuratively and literally.
Add a Comment
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Comment by WriterJax on February 29, 2008 at 10:12pm - thanks everyone!
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Comment by KiwiFi on February 29, 2008 at 7:21pm -
I often think to myself, if I die they really should hand out the URL to my blog if they want to know the real me, then I think well no, it still isn't the real me. There is so much I don't write about for precisely the reasons you detail.
(Thanks for the invite - really enjoying belonging to this group)
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Comment by Dawn on February 29, 2008 at 10:12am - Seriously, I could have written most of that myself. I mean obviously the specific details would be different, but the getting walked on and the people-pleaser? So me. I *hate* confrontation. Or feeling like I've disappointed someone. I feel guilty saying no. I don't have a resolution or word to live by, but I have been very conscious over the last 18 months or so of embracing the person I am and building some confidence in myself. It -- or should I say *I* -- am most definitely a work in progress though.
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Comment by WriterJax on February 27, 2008 at 2:00pm
- thank you - it's the confidence I get from this network that is helping me loosen up a little. And with you signed up , I have one potential reader ... ;)
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Comment by Ashmystir on February 27, 2008 at 1:54pm - Wow...you wrote what I only think sometimes. Only difference is that I do ramble on about myself. Not the private stuff like fights with the hubby. Just about trips I go on, things we do and stuff I like or don't like. I learned to speak my mind I guess. some good. Some not so good. Looking forward to your autobiography. =)
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