Life Passages

[Vanessa]

I'm curious how others handle the probing questions from those sometimes too nosy but well meaning individuals. What comes to mind most is "When are you going to get married? Have a baby? Buy a house? Time is not on your side you know!" Obviously the response is not the same for Grandma as it is for the new neighbor next door. Personally, I don't think I ever want kids. When I make this statement, its usually met with, you'll change your mind at the last minute, just give it time. Infuriating to me! Who says we can't be happy if we choose not follow the traditional path of get married, buy a house, have kids? Thoughts?

[WriterJax]

I have been getting some of these questions a lot lately too, and they're always from older folks, so I try to look at it as a generational thing out of which we seem to be evolving. I hope.

I also wonder if sometimes people ask these things because they can't think of anything else, kind of like 'how's the weather?' I'd love it if someone opened with 'what did you have for dinner last night?' or 'take any good hikes lately?'

I say we start a movement. There's plenty to talk about without bringing up major life events; they will be obvious to everyone when they happen, anyway!

[Vanessa]

I second the idea of a movement. There is a book I love that has started a movement called QuirkyAlone. You can find it online at quirkyalone.net. Its about being strong, powerful and happy but not having to follow the traditional path that our parents/grandparents did. I still have a hard time speaking my mind when these conversations come up and answers include everything from no answer and just changing the subject to a very polite "Why do you ask?" especially when I get the baby question! Another idea I have tried is not necessarily controlling the conversation, but trying to get in the opening line which sets the tone. Don't get me wrong, its not to be the 'avoided topics', I just hate it when it comes from this place of you are doing something wrong if you don't ____.

[Ashmystir]

I've been asked those questions too. I don't really care what others think of me. You just have to do what's right for YOU. Your life so live it the way YOU want....Not how others expect you to live.

[the slackmistress]

I don't want kids either (and I'm married.) Generally I make sure to be calm and I answer the question kindly, but when I'm told that I'll "change my mind" I have a tendency to respond "why did you ask if you obviously know the answer?" I'm rather good at disarming people, and pointing out gently that it's actually rather rude.

If you don't feel like answering the question (I mean, what if you did want kids and you couldn't get pregnant?) then you can always say that it's kind of a personal question. Or say you hadn't thought about it, but they can pre-emptively send you baby shower/wedding gifts if they'd like.

However, as a blogger I think that if you're blogging about relationships and such, those are somewhat natural questions for your audience to ask, so it's not as rude as they random assault!

[Vanessa]

I wasn't so much talking about my blogging audience as Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends of my parents, the nosy neighbors, etc. My aim is not to be rude, but to be assertive and firm. I agree with WriterJax and think its a generational thing too, the boomer set seems to be the ones applying the most pressure about hurry up, settle down, have babies! I do what makes me happy in my own life, but I think these questions are somehow inevitable. I've also noticed a huge difference in this line of questioning from when I lived in Seattle and New York CIty to now living in Dallas which is very conservative and all about the traditional path. Just wondering if anyone else had any snappy comebacks that I hadn't come across.

[the slackmistress]

Are you having kids?
Will you take care of them?
Only if the condom breaks.
I like my free time.
I only want to be responsible for ruining my life.
Can I crate them like my dog when I go to the bar?
Hopefully 12 of them, I've always wanted to be a baby factory.
I hate children.
I spent all my money on candy.


Are you getting married?
Are you paying for it?
I just broke up with my boyfriend/girlfriend, but thanks for rubbing it in.
Only when it's legal for two men to get married.
Are you asking?

All of these can run into the "it's none of your business" category. The important part is to do it with a smile on your face.

[WriterJax]

V - thanks for the tip on QuirkyAlone
Ash - I'm big into those big questions about doing what's right for me right now - maybe that's what I should tell people. As in: 'I'll have kids once I figure out how to take care of myself, thanks.'
Slack- Love the comebacks.

As I am hopelessly passive aggressive, I have trouble thinking of a good comeback and usually say 'someday' when asked about kids. This is basically just to give them a boring answer to their boring question and move on. If I'm in a bad mood I shrug and people generally change the topic because apathy is not what's expected. ; ) But I agree that humor is the way to go.

Do you want kids?
What, and stop drinking bourbon for nine months? Seriously?

Only for breakfast.

I want to be independently wealthy first. And willowy thin, and amazingly fun at parties.

[PrincessB]

I get that more now that I am recently divorced. People actually ask me when I will get re-married and I've been divorced for 2 months! While I would not rule anything out completely for myself, I have no intentions of getting re-married or having children. I just don't want those things anymore. I like the humor approach and will have to use that!

[LipSmacker]

I can be a pretty snarky person when faced with these questions and I do have some favorite replys (i.e. "I can't have kids, I sold all my eggs to pay for college." "As soon as they make that kind of marriage leagal in this state..." "I'm still trying to pay off all of those gambling debts...") but really the best answer I have found is this, "Thanks for asking, I'll let you know when I make that decision." It's a nice way of saying, "none of your business". Doesn't always shut them up, but it gets you off the hook from having to answer any more of their questions.

[WriterJax]

Eureka, LipSmacker, that's the best answer I've heard yet. Except selling eggs to pay for college of course.

If only our generation was not the smallest - maybe more people would realize, as we can see in this conversation, that anything goes and everything's fine.

It's only life!

;)

[Big D (aka DG)]

Argh! I tried to post earlier and my computer freaked out and essentially flipped me the bird. So. I am back.

Here's my take: nosy people need to concentrate on their own lives and stop bothering others with dumb questions. I agree that many times folks just don't think when they throw a life question out there - many times it is just a conversation starter, but if they really stopped to analyze the brusqeness of the question, they should be horrified by it (if they have any sensibilities about them.)

Whose business is it whether you're married, single, a parent, in school, etc... Answer? Yours. Not one other person has the right to your life, because you are the person living it.

Our older son is biological, our younger is adopted. You would not BELIEVE the grossly inappropriate comments and rudely probing questions we've endured in regards to this. Bottom line - our family, our kids, our life. Everyone else needs to back off. It makes me weary, at times. Then I look at my precious baby bear and I giggle. He's worth it. People sure can be ogres, however.

[Grammargirl]

The questions never end, so you may as well give it up. Some people are just couth-less. For years, my husband and I told people we didn't want children. Then one day, we changed our minds. We still hear about how we "tricked" everyone into believing we would remain childless and happy.
You would think having a child would end those types of comments. Not true. The questions and accusations just change. Now everyone wants to know when we're having another one. When we opted to end the baby train at the first stop, people started coming out of the woodwork to chastise us for forcing our beautiful daughter into the world of an "only child." Perish the thought!
"You can't have just one. Think how lonely she'll be"
"Only children are really spoiled."
"That's not fair to her. You have to give her a brother or sister."
"You'll change your mind."
"She's so sweet, how can you not have another one?"

I kid you not, those are all questions we have encountered - some made by family members and some made by perfect strangers.
So I guess what I'm saying is that it's never enough. You get a boyfriend, they want to know when you're getting engaged. You get engaged, when's the wedding? After the wedding, they want to know when you're buying a house. Then the baby drama begins... Your career, the car you drive, the grocery store you patronize - it's apparently all up for discussion. And we're all doing it WRONG!